Monsters and Mayhem: 10.09

10.31.2009

Currently running through my head

Life-sized hanging man-form in spider cocoon - $20
Almost life-sized skeleton suspended in a 7' spiderweb - $10
4 large foam tombstones - $14
9' fabric spiderweb - $7
Skeleton "Haunted House" sign - $5
36" spider - $4
Scary music CD - $3
Snickers snack sized candy bars - $10
5 pumpkins for carving - $12 + $12 for a farm field trip that yielded the 5th pumpkin
2 black light bulbs - $1/1, the other borrowed
5 strobe lights - borrowed
1 fog machine - borrowed
2 large suction-cup spiders - borrowed
A selection of other spider, skeleton, & blood themed decorations - leftover from previous years
7 trick-or-treaters - thoroughly underwhelming.

Halloween candy doesn't taste nearly as good as I remember it tasting when I was a kid. It's definitely not worth the guilt it brings on.

And finally . . . I don't want to decorate for Christmas!

Say what?

"Well, I'm not anti-feminism. Calculus gets hard and sweeping starts to look really easy. I could be a cute little housewife."

Ellie, age 18

"To be fair, it's late at night and I've got questions."

JACK, age 20... talking about his interactions with ChatGPT

"It's not a muffin top. It's a butter flap.

JACK, age 20

"Wouldn't Charles eat coal?" (Nate) "Well, humans are carbon-based life forms."

JACK, age 20

"Fishnets are not appropriate unless you're having a long night with Dad."

SKETCH, age 13

"I want you to remove the word 'can't' from your vocabulary." (Nate)

"I can not."

SKETCH, age 13

"Well, you doubled-down at 16." (Me to Ellie)

"So when you're 32 they'll give you $500."

SKETCH, age 13

"Rabbit peed on the rug three times." (Me)

"We're shunning him because of the liquid from his loins."

SKETCH, age 13

"They really weren't willow trees. They were more like pussy willows." (Nate)

"Yeah, cause they're weak."

SKETCH, age 13

"How do you know when your backyard is haunted? When Ruth comes over and tells you."

JACK, age 18

"Movie trailers aren't canon." (Jack)

"Wow, Jack! I'm impressed with your vocabulary usage." (Me)

"I used 'disoriented' today. But I'm not sure if I used it correctly."

ELLIE, age 16

"This is the best thing I've seen all day, other then watching Dad pop his zit."

JACK, age 18... while I put coconut pecan frosting on Ghirardelli brownies.

"Everyone has a stalker. Self-absorbed people are their own stalker."

SKETCH, age 12

"The Democratic debate isn't a talk show." (Ellie)

"I know. It's more like a yell show."

SKETCH, age 12

"American Bovine?"

SKETCH, age 12... misunderstanding Nate's naming of The Guess Who song, "American Woman."

"How's my baby brother?" (Ellie)

"I'm not your baby brother. I'm your little brother."

"You'll always be my baby brother." (Ellie)

"Man! I've got to get a transfer out of here!"

SKETCH, age 12

"Get your foot out of my ear!" (Sketch)

"That's your ear? I thought it was your eye."

JACK, age 17

"At least they take it with them"

ELLIE, age 14... in response to Nate's observation that toddlers will come stand in front of you and poop their pants, then walk away.

"I like to be aggressively passive.... I DON'T WANT TACOS! Maybe."

JACK, age 17

"I don't want to hear your comments!" (Sketch - trying not to cry after hurting his leg)

"At least until the episode is over."

JACK, age 17

"What part of 'close the door' did you not understand?" (me)

"Apparently all of it."

SKETCH, age 11

"Jack, you're an icon." (Ellie)

"Suck on that, Oprah."

JACK, age 17

"I freakin' love Plato" (Addy)

"Play-doh?" (Ellie)

"Not Play-doh. Plato." (me)

"It's a dog and a planet."

SKETCH, age 11

"That's not how you do the wave."

JACK, age 17... as congregants stood while singing a hymn.

"Dad just wants to move to Mississippi. Oh wait. That's not where Minneapolis is."

ELLIE, age 15

"Careful, or Mom will make you mop the floor with your fingernails."

"Nope. I'll make him mop the floor with his tongue." (me)

"Gross. You have no idea where his tongue has been!"

JACK, age 17

"I shot guns." (Ellie)

"You shot guns? At who?"

TEHYA, age 15

"Nephi looks like Kylo Ren and Tom Holland had a baby."

SKETCH, age 11

"Does Cyber Monday have school?

SKETCH, age 11

"My favorite thing about the ocean is that you can pee anywhere you want. Tax-free."

JACK, age 17

"Mom just dropped us off because she's not one of those hurricane parents."

SKETCH, age 11

"When I grow up I want to drive a Volkswagen Beetle, cause then I can watch people punch each other when I drive by."

ELLIE, age 14

"Hey, look! Doggies with tiny legs!" (Sketch)

"I think those are goats."

ELLIE, age 14

"Go to Amazon to see if they sell mice. I'm pretty sure you can buy polio on there."

JACK, age 16

"I don't know what a sherpa is but I think I want one."

JACK, age 16

"This is going to take a whole hour!" (Sketch)

"With all your whining it's going to take 3!" (Jack)

"Do you ever open your mouth and hear your mother come out?"(me)

"Yep! I learned from the best."

JACK, age 16

"You could be a grandma five years from now. What will we call you?" (Ellie)

"Gammy? Or Gam Gam? Or Bethany? Or Karl? With a K? We're going to call Dad Steve"

SKETCH, age 10

"How long's the play?" (me)

"35 to 40 minutes."

"Whoa, that's long." (me)

"Well, that's if I do it twice."

SKETCH, age 10

"I've got the confidence of a drunk man and the coordination of a gamer."

JACK, age 16

"If Dad won't go in there then I won't go in there. He's the bravest guy I know. Except Chuck Norris."

SKETCH, age 10

"It's like wasps. If you run they know you're guilty."

JACK, age 16

"You're just jealous." (Ellie)

"Why would I be jealous?"

"Because you don't have any hair." (Ellie)

"Have you seen my pits lately?"

NATE, age 44

"They're called STIs now. It's not like I can get chlamydia on my hand."

JADYNN, age 19

"Why are they so weird?" (Grammie)

"I don't know. That's like asking why do dingos look mangy."

JACK, age 16

"Mom! I need a big bum, STAT!"

SKETCH, age 10....when told that little bums would have to squish together in the back seat.

"Plain Cheerios are the kind you eat when you're feeling sad. Frosted Cheerios are the kind you eat when you're high."

JACK, age 16

"We need to nip that in the butt!"

JACK, age 16

"Did you at least put forth your best effort?" (me)

"I put at least a fourth of my best effort."

JACK, age 15

"The man cave isn't really like a cave. It's more like an outhouse."

JACK, age 15

"I think Nana gets a bad rap. Just like maggots and such."

JACK, age 15

"It's a traditional snack in Sketch country."

SKETCH, age 10... while eating his boogers.

"I'm so confused. How are these supposed to help?"

ADDY, age 19.... referring to a photo of Slim Jim (beef jerky) to be used as a tool to unlock her car.

"Mom's the best roommate I've ever had" (Nate)

"Yeah, and she even does the laundry."

JACK, age 15

"I like my butt. I can sit anywhere with it."

JACK, age 15

"I'm like a crab. Only I have two big arms."

JACK, age 15

"I'm glad I don't have a psycho mom. But I would like a psychic mom."

SKETCH, age 9

"I know how to win at Simon Says. 'Simon says Jump! Fall.'"

JACK, age 15

"That's my jam!"

SKETCH, age 9... when Jack starts playing "Come Follow Me" on the piano.

"He's asking for a friend."

JACK, age 15....when Sketch questioned how to get into the crawlspace.

"Don't forget, Mom. This could be a scam."

SKETCH, age 9....as I fill out the FAFSA

"I do my best singing when I'm laying down. I think they should start bed choirs."

JACK, age 15

"I hate tights." (Ellie)

"Ellie, how do you think Peter Pan gets through the day?"

SKETCH, age 9

"The snake is basically a toilet colonoscopy."

JACK, age 15

"My mom is a fire-breathing dragon. And when I say she breathes fire I mean she swears."

SKETCH, age 9

"Did you schedule to have my kidney removed?

NATE, age 42... waking from a weird dream

"Did everything in Pennsylvania look like pencils?"

SKETCH, age 9

"Look and behold the condensation of God!"

ELLIE, age 12

"Ow! It hurts. It tastes kinda good."

JACK, age 15, after biting his tongue

"Taking out the kitchen garbage is so hard. But you look cool. You look like Santa."

SKETCH, age 9

"So girls don't like to get wet? Like cats?"

SKETCH, age 9

"I don't feel like an Eleanor. I don't feel like an Ellie. I feel like a monkey."

ELLIE, age 12

"Too-fon? Tee-fon? Ty-fon? Tae kwon do?"

SKETCH, age 8... when he can't remember what a futon is called.

"I'm getting mom a No Soliciting sign for her bedroom door."

ELLIE, age 11

"If you heard the sound a giant squid makes then it's the last thing you hear."

SKETCH, age 8

"They should make a Moana 2... with her getting hitched."

SKETCH, age 8

"This is pathetic. She's on her phone. He's on his phone. He's on an iPad. She's on an iPod. He's on his phone. And the TV is on!" (me)

"I'll turn the TV off."

SKETCH, age 8

"Is Homer a weird name?" (Sketch)

"You've got an ancestor named Gomer." (me)

"Yeah. That's an even weirder name. At least there's a Homer Depot."

JACK, age 14

"When I flex my butt I can lift the bed a whole inch."

JACK, age 14

"I'm this close to turning your butt pink." (Nate)

"I wanna see that on Jack's butt."

SKETCH, age 8

"What's the 'D' word?" (me)

"You know? Like the second part of the whale's name?"

"What whale?" (me)

"The one from Shakespeare.... Moby -- ?"

ELLIE, age 11

"I don't like tea. It's too watery."

ADDY, age 17... as she sips a cup of steaming hot water.

"When I earn my Eagle can dad give it to me? Then I can say I was awarded by a bald Eagle."

JACK, age 13

"Can I be home-schooled for college?"

SKETCH, age 8

"When I grow up I want to be a stay-at-home son."

JACK, age 14

"Wait! Are my boots on the wrong feet?"

ADDY, age 16

"I wish my head hair grew as fast as my leg hair."

ADDY, age 16

"Dad, is that a Mongolia tree?"

JACK, age 13

"Hey mom! Come look at the fire dehydrant!"

SKETCH, age 7

"How much are ukuleles?"

"Anywhere from $10 for a piece of crap like Ellie's to $2000 for a nice one." (me)

"I want a piece of crap. I want Ellie's piece of crap."

SKETCH, age 7

"Trump wants to start World War III and a war on Washington. He wants it to be the best state ever."

SKETCH, age 7

"I know that we celebrate Jesus' birthday on Christmas, but he was really born on April 6."

SKETCH, age 7.... bearing testimony in Sacrament Meeting

"My teeth are brown"

"They wouldn't be if you'd quit eating poo." (me)

"Hey! I haven't eaten poo in a long time!"

SKETCH, age 7

"My favorite part of a Twinkie is all of it" (Sketch)

"My favorite part is the diabetes."

JACK, age 13

"Would you rather me be in a coma or have a concussion?"

"Probably a coma, but only if it's like 6 hours long." (me)

"I call that a nap"

JACK, age 13

"Geese are the only things from Canada that aren't nice. Since everything has to have a yin and yang there are so many of them."

ADDY, age 16

"When I get home I'm so gonna change my underwear."

SKETCH, age 7.... after exiting the Olive Garden bathroom

"What's Washington's state animal? Is it Big Foot?"

SKETCH, age 7

"Ellie, do you know the pledge of allegiance?" (Nate)

"Yes, but I can't say it right now because there's not a flag. It would be disrespectful. Unless I'm looking at the moon... There's still a flag on it, right?"

ELLIE, age 10

"Tell me about the French Revolution and that Reign of Terror. You know? When all the poor guys destroyed the castle? And that king and queen that ate 1000 pieces of cake and never got sick?"

SKETCH, age 7

"Is that your new behind?"

SKETCH, age 7... referring to computer wallpaper

"Why do people always say they're overwhelmed, or that something is overwhelming? I'm just whelmed."

JACK, age 12

"This song beats the crap out of me."

SKETCH, age 7... learning to play 'Mary Had a Little Lamb' on the piano

"Is there a sport called plumbing?"

SKETCH, age 7

"I do NOT want to go to Europe. Not with their tax laws!"

JACK, age 12

"Hola!" (Nate)

"Wait, I didn't know you were in Hawaii."

SKETCH, age 6, while Facetime-ing with Nate

"We can get a golf cart and I can drive Sketch and Ellie to school every day!" (Me)

"And we can get a submarine!"

SKETCH, age 6

"My hot dog is already down to my acid."

SKETCH, age 6

"I can't wait to get my yellow belt. It will be just like my white belt, only a different color."

SKETCH, age 6

"So was Jesus born in Brazil?"

"No, He was born in Bethlehem." (Nate)

"Oh yeah. Bethlehem is kind of a sand village."

SKETCH, age 6

"I need to hurry up and start taking piano lessons so I can earn money and not be homeless."

SKETCH, age 6

"If the cops had seen that they would have given him a ticket." (me)

"A ticket to what?"

SKETCH, age 6

"I don't want to be a kid anymore. I want to be a grown up."

"Because having a job and having to pay bills sounds like more fun?" (Me)

"Okay, then I want to be a woman."

SKETCH, age 6

"He's cute, and he's smart, and he's beautiful. Well, not so smart, and not so beautiful."

SKETCH, age 6 ... about Badger

"At 6 in the morning I'll get on my scooter and Joe can get on his shoes."

JACK, age 12

"Let's get this party started. 1st hour eat breakfast and play video games. 2nd hour have snacks and jump on the trampoline. 3rd hour lay down so no one knows - this is all a secret."

SKETCH, age 6 ... home sick from church with Nate

"This is a good cup of joe"

"It's not a cup of joe"

"Then it's a good cup of Bob."

JACK, age 12 ... referring to hot chocolate

"Was your teacher a grandma or a grandpa? And did you have to sit criss-cross applesauce?"

SKETCH, age 6

"If you could choose between a really pretty car that didn't run very well and an ugly car that ran perfect, which would you choose?"

"The ugly one that ran well." (me)

"I'd choose a jet pack."

JACK, age 11

"How do you trip on acid? Wouldn't your foot just burn up?"

ADDY, age 15

"How about we just drive all day on your birthday?" (Me, to Jack)

"Where would we drive?" (Jack)

"In circles."

SKETCH, age 6

"That's Jacked up."

"No, it's Nathed up" (Sketch)

"Sounds Sketchy to me"

NATE, age 40

"You know how Hi-C makes juice boxes?" (Nate)

"No. But go on."

SKETCH, age 6

"It's razor grass." (Nate)

"Noooo. It's lllaaaaaser grass."

SKETCH, age 6

"Blah, blah, blah."

SKETCH, age 6 ... while Courtney and Minami sang along to a Primary song.

"We saw a huge school of fish! It was like a college."

ELLIE, age 9

"We're not shelling, Ellie!"

SKETCH, age 6 ... while hunting for crabs at night.

"Look! Mikey can walk on water!"

ELLIE, age 9 ... watch Mikey on a rope swing.

"I think I'm going to get Jack a snake for his birthday." (Me)

"A segway?", MINAMI, age 12

"A sink?", COURTNEY, age 39

"A tank?", CECILIA, age 62

"Sorry, crab. I killed you."

SKETCH, age 6

"We're pleased to have an aircraft equipped with wi-fi. Please note the wi-fi won't work over the Pacific Ocean."

DELTA FLIGHT ATTENDANT ... prior to takeoff from LAX to HNL.

"I kept grabbing my rifle... it's more like a pistol... it's my water bottle."

NATE, age 40

"You look just like my Uncle Joe. Except for the face."

SKETCH, age 6

"Addy, there will be no recreational computer usage unless your piano is done everyday." (me)
"But wait! She needs to do Dr. Who!"
SKETCH, age 5

"My nose still hurts" (Ellie)
"Well don't sleep on your face tonight." (me)
"Yeah, cause then you'll get eczema on your pillow."
SKETCH, age 5

"Guess where we're going for lunch?" (Nate)
"Chase!" (Sketch, age 5)
"You guys want to eat at the bank?" (Nate)
"Nah, it's too rich."
JACK, age 11

"Is that real gold?"
"No. It's plastic" (me)
"Oh, so that means it's fiction."
SKETCH, age 5

"Wait. Is that the turkey's heart?"
SKETCH, age 5, in reference to the collapsed can-shaped cranberry sauce.

"I like your baking suit."
SKETCH, age 5, in reference to my apron.

"We're taking a shovel camping? So is that to dig holes for ....?" (Ellie)
"It's for the dead bodies."
SKETCH, age 5

"If the internet had a face I'd punch it."
ADDY, age 14

"When you go to college you have to declare a major." (me)
"What, like out loud?"
ADDY, age 14

"Let's watch "The Italian Job". Your mom's boyfriend is in it." (Nate)
"Did she film it?"
ADDY, age 14

"Why can't you marry your sister?"
"Because your kids would have genetic deformities." (me)
"What does that mean?"
"It means they'd be born with two heads." (me)
"Whoa! That's awesome!"
JACK, age 10

"Water is a magnet."
"No, it's not." (me)
"Yes, it is."
"Explain to me why you think water is a magnet." (me)
"Because when my feet are wet and I walk on the grass the grass sticks to my feet."
SKETCH, age 4

"My favorite vegetable is jelly beans."
SKETCH, age 4

"The opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference." (me)
"Then what's the opposite of hate?" (Addy)
"Chocolate."
NATE, age 38

"She wants you to get a new belly button?"
ADDY, age 13 . . . when Nate mentioned that Cecily wanted him to buy a new Audi.

"Because you're already old?"
ELLIE, age 7 . . . her only explanation for why my fingers weren't as wrinkled as hers after spending time in the hot tub.

"Reggae is often associated with a specific recreational activity. Anyone know which one?" (Nate)
"Golf?"
ADDY, age 13 . . . while discussing Buffalo Soldiers and Bob Marley

"Besides, Jack. Girls like boys who can play the piano." (me)
"I thought that was the fiddle."
JACK, age 10

"How come duck tape isn't yellow?"
ELLIE, age 7

"How do you make it onto the 'Naughty' list? I pinch Ellie like 3 times a day and Santa still brings me presents."
JACK, age 10

"Why do all my responsibilities deal with the rear end?"
JACK, age 10 . . . ahh, the joys of having a pet.

"I'm Indiana Jones."
"I thought you were Iron Man." (me)
"How dare you!"
SKETCH, age 4

"Seriously. Knock off the bullish*t."

SKETCH, age 4 . . . reiterating his father's directive to his siblings.

"How much are you gonna get paid for this job? I'm talking about the S with the line through it."

JACK, age 10 . . . while working with Papa on a job site.

"Oh yeah. That one's going on the wedding video."

JACK, age 10 . . . observing me taking a photo of Addison's deer-rifle-scope-to-bridge-of-nose wound.

"Look! There's an Angry Bird on the field!"
ELLIE, age 7 . . . watching an Arizona Cardinal's football game on TV.

"Jack did great! And I was a little embarrassing." (Addy)
"You were embarrassing? I farted."
JACK, age 10 . . . when asked how karate testing went.

"So where's your mom?" (Friend)
"Either out shopping or doing some weird stuff."
JACK, age 10

"You so have a mustache."
"Yes. I do." (man on the airplane)
"I wish we had mustaches. Oh, my mom has a mustache."
SKETCH, age 4

"Are we on the freeway?"
"No." (me)
"Are we on the slow-way?"
SKETCH, age 4

"I don't like this song. It sounds like Halloween"
SKETCH, age 4 . . . referring to LDS Hymn #185.

"Can I see your brain bubble?"
SKETCH, age 4 . . . after I yawned and he caught a glimpse of my uvula.

"Are we going home? I want to go see Cecily."
"No, not yet. She's out with Nathan." (Addy)
"Is he the boy mom?"
SKETCH, age 4

"You know, in our family it's the kids who have to do all the chores. It's kinda like she's the queen and we're her servants."
JACK, age 9

"Dad likes country."
"Yeah he does." (me)
"I like humor and rock & roll."
JACK, age 9

"What did you just eat?" (me)
"Nothing"
"What was just in your hand?" (me)
"Some throw-up"
"And you ate it?" (me)
"No. I drank it."
SKETCH, age 4

"But I can't drive"
JACK, age 9 . . . when Nate told him that instead of paying back the $5 he owes, he can take Nate to Frapy's for a frozen yogurt.

"I think Han Solo looks better as a Lego person."
ELLIE, age 6 . . . while watching Star Wars.

"It's so cool that our family members all have birthdays on special days. I mean, my birthday is on National Hot Dog Day."
ADDY, age 12

"What did you do today?" (Nate)
"I didn't go to Disneyland. And I didn't go to McDonalds."
SKETCH, age 3

"Did you forget how to flush the toilet?" (me)
"No, why?"
"Because there's a Sketch-sized turd in here" (me)
"What does it smell like?"
"Your bum." (me)
"Here. Smell it."
SKETCH, age 3 . . . while presenting his bum for odor inspection.

"Brown Sprite": Diet Coke
SKETCH, age 3

"SpriteBeer": Rootbeer
SKETCH, age 3

"Boob guy": A shirtless man or boy.
SKETCH, age 3

"Up-pants": shorts
SKETCH, age 3

"I love you Franklin" (Nana)
"I love chocolate. Milk"
SKETCH, age 3

"What does it mean to get married?" (me)
"It means you say 'Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas'."
SKETCH, age 3

"Look! There's Nana's Catalina!"
SKETCH, age 3 . . . seeing the lights from the community across Utah Lake from Orem.

"I am kind" (me)
"I am kind"
"I am smart" (me)
"I am smart"
"I am important" (me)
"I am important"
"I am trouble" (Nate)
"I am in so much trouble"
SKETCH, age 3 . . . up way past his bedtime.

"There will be repercussions if you don't eat your dinner." (me to Jack)
"Repercussions mean punishments, and punishments mean getting beaten up."
ELLIE, age 6 . . . while hitting her fist against her open palm.

"Nana, is this a tummy ache?
SKETCH, age 3 . . . holding up a mini 3 Musketeers after Nana told cousin Will that too much candy causes tummy aches.

"I don't like it when Jesus play his drums."
SKETCH, age 3 . . . referring to thunder.

"Mom, why do pirates have really bad teeth?"
"Because they don't brush and floss every night." (me)
"Cool. I want to be a pirate."
JACK, age 9

"I call Dad's truck."
SKETCH, age 3 . . . when Addy (age 12) said she gets the Accord when she starts to drive in 4 years.

"Please bless Addy and Jack to have piano lessons tomorrow" (me)
"Please bless Addy and Jack to have piano lessons tomorrow"
"And please bless Ellie and Sketch to have lots of chores." (me)
"Yeeeaaahhh!"
SKETCH, age 3 . . . during family prayer.

"At night the street sweeper turns into a dancing robot." (Jack)
"I want to dance with the robot."
SKETCH, age 3

"Jackson, I don't like what you're incinerating!"
"Ellie, the correct word is 'insinuating'." (Jack)
ELLIE, age 6

"Mama! Don't get off the plane!"
SKETCH, age 3 . . . after seeing me put on my jacket because I was cold.

"I'm a tinker. I can figure it out."
JACK, age 8 . . . when Nate asked if he needed help figuring out how to use the airplane lavatory door.

"I feel horrible and horrid at the same time. That means I feel horridable."
JACK, age 8

"Do you know how his voice got like that?"
"No" (Me)
"Wild parsnips."
JACK, age 8 . . . while listening to George Thorogood and the Destroyers sing "Bad to the Bone" on the radio.

"Is saliva flammable?"
"No" (me)
"Darn it. I wanted to be able to start a fire by just putting a match into my mouth."
JACK, age 8

"Is my Dad your oldest child?"
"Yes" (Nana)
"Unless you have another one."
JACK, age 8

"Hey guys! Throw me a hamburger!"
SKETCH, age 3 . . . with hands cupped around his mouth, sitting at the other end of the bar counter.

"Mom, someday can we make some money?"
"Sure. How do you want to make money?" (me)
"By selling beautiful flowers and lemonade for a dollar."
ELLIE, age 5

"Is this chicken made out of a pig?"
ELLIE, age 5

"I've got two new nicknames. Right now I'm "Stitch". And after they come out I'll be "Scarface"."
JACK, age 8

"Why did the great and spacious building fall?" (Nate)
"Either it got too heavy, or they lost control."
JACK, age 8

"Just to the side of the center is my groin. I think it has an on-and-off button."
JACK, age 8

"Go to bed, you sands-b*tchs!

SKETCH, age 2.... repeating Nate's instructions

"Here's a bread boat, Ellie" (Nate)
"What's a bread boat?"
"It's a boat made out of bread" (Nate)
"Oh, you mean a bread ark."
ELLIE, age 5

"Car show!"
SKETCH, age 2 . . . while sitting in heavy traffic.

"Your purse is to keep your money safe, not just to hold it until you spend it." (me)
"Not like your purse, Mama?"
ELLIE, age 5

"Can I just put them in my eyes?"
JACK, age 7 . . . when told he'll go blind if he doesn't eat his carrots.

"When I'm old and you're in heaven can I have your house?"
ADDY, age 10 . . . to Nana.

"I think my dad hates me and there's gonna be a consequence."
JACK, age 7 . . . while on time-out.

"With spit, tape, and a lot of effort."
JACK, age 7 . . . when asked how he thought the Salt Lake Temple was constructed in a time before heavy machinery.

"You know Dasher, and Crasher, and Basher, and Cupid . . . "
ELLIE, age 4 . . . singing her version of Rudolph the Red nosed Reindeer.

"If you guys can't get along I'm gonna call Santa and tell him you're being naughty" (me)
"Ooh, what's his phone number?"
JACK, age 7

"Mom, can I have some data?"
"What's that?" (me)
"It's information!"
JACK, age 7

"Mama, you need to give Jack a wedgie."
ELLIE, age 4

"Mama, I feel like robots are taking over the world."
ELLIE, age 4 . . . on her 3rd appearance after being put to bed.

"Mom! Quit being disturbed."
JACK, age 6 . . . when trying to pull me away from a conversation.

"The best part of going to the dentist was I got to go to the moon. I saw a flying saucer."
JACK, age 6

"I don't want to be a mayor, king, or president when I grow up. I don't want to die when I'm still alive. I want to die when I'm old, like grandpa."
JACK, age 6

"My friend William, whose name is Ben, but we call him William, said the F word at school."
"Spell it." (Addy)
"I don't know how to spell William."
"No, the other word." (Addy)
"I don't know how to spell Ben either."
JACK, age 6

"Look mom, I'm a transformer!" (Jack)
"What are you transforming into?" (me)
"A girl."
ELLIE, age 4

"What's the magic word?" (the checkout lady at the grocery store)
"Abracadabra."
ELLIE, age 4

"I got a bloody mouth. It got so hot in there I think my spit turned to lava."
JACK, age 6

"I feel like I'm pretty handsome."
"You are handsome" (me)
"Yeah, I know."
JACK, age 6

"That's because my ears don't work good."
ELLIE, age 4 . . . when told she hasn't been listening for the answers to her questions all day long.

"Why did you get in trouble?" (Nate)
"Because Mikey set a bad example."
JACK, age 6

"Boys like fire engines. Girls looooooove ambulances."
JACK, age 6

"Look mom - they made indians out of a rug."
JACK, age 6 . . . pointing to a wall hanging in the Honolulu airport.

"I'm hungry."
"Hi, Hungry. I'm Dad." (Nate)
"No, I'm Ellie AND I'm hungry."
"Then you should probably be medicated."
NATE, age 34

"You're not the boss. Jesus is the boss."
"But Jesus isn't here right now." (Nate)
"Yes He is. He's invisible. And He can hear everything you say."
ELLIE, age 3

"I call all the donuts in the world, even the ones in people's stomachs."
ADDY, age 9

"Sweetie, everybody dies eventually." (me)
"If they were in a cave then they wouldn't die. Like Jesus. He died and went in a cave then came back alive. Let's just do that."
ELLIE, age 3

"It tastes disgusting in my mouth when I drink my spit.
JACK, age 6

"What state are we in?" (Ellie)
"A state of irritation."
CECILY, age 32 . . . during the drive from UT to CA, after being asked the same question 853 times.

"Turquoise means GO!"
ELLIE, age 3 . . . after a stop-light turned green and the car in front of us didn't move.

"Happy Thanksgiving! Merry Scritmas!"
ELLIE, age 3

"It's not a turkey if it doesn't have a head."
ELLIE, age 3 . . . when seeing the Thanksgiving turkey come out of the oven.

"That's funny - like a decapitated guy selling running shoes."
NATE, age 34

"I hate everything about boogers, except the way they taste."
JACK, age 6

"The only thing I hate about life is that you have to die."
JACK, age 6

"I've got two words for you, Dad. Cock-a-doodle-doo, cock-a-doodle-doo."
ELLIE, age 3 . . . after Nate said her table manners could be described with two words, "oink, oink."

"I'm bored. Bored means you're sweaty and you want to watch a show."
ELLIE, age 3

"I don't like sun and air."
ELLIE, age 3 . . . after being told that walking Jack to school in the morning is a good was to enjoy the sun and get some fresh air.

"I'll watch her mouth."
JACK, age 5 . . . when told he wouldn't get lunch until Mom smiled.

". . . H-I-J-K-Elmo-Peed. Q-R-S,-T-U-V, . . ."
ELLIE, age 3 . . . singing the alphabet song. Jack's corrupting influence is clearly evident.

"Is it short for a dictionary?"
ADDISON, age 9 . . . when asked if she knew what "addiction" means.

"I wish I had no leg."
JACK, age 5 . . . while approaching the glass-blowing exhibit at the Sawdust Festival where a man with an artificial leg was observing.

"Girls have vaginas."
ELLIE, age 3 . . . also at the Sawdust Festival, where displays seem to evoke all sorts of random (and less than appropriate) comments.

"When I grow up I want to be a bed maker. I will travel the world looking for beds to make."
JACK, age 5

"You should move to Vegas."
NATE, age 34 . . . to Jack

"When it's over."
ADDISON, age 9 . . . when asked what her favorite part of Primary is.

"Did the baby come out of your tummy?"
ELLIE, age 2 . . . to me, 8 months pregnant, while I was holding a friend's baby at the park.

"Your dress looks very comfy. Maybe it's made out of lamb's wool. Maybe a green lamb."
JACK, age 5

"Dad, I missed you really hardly."
JACK, age 5 . . . to Nate upon his return from a 2 day business trip.

"My favorite day is 2'sday."
ELLIE, age 2

"Football, cause then we can kick him."
JACK, age 5 . . . when asked what he wants to name the baby.

"Jesus, cause then he can lead us."
JACK, age 5 . . . when asked for another baby name idea.

"I'm getting a sister."
ELLIE, age 2 . . . at the ultrasound appointment, upon hearing that Jack was getting a brother.

"We can plant the (sesame seed) bun and then it will grow into a hot dog tree."
JACK, age 5 . . . while eating a hot dog at Costco.

"Only M&Ms."
ELLIE, age 2 . . . at every house when out trick-or-treating.

"Thank you for this day." (me)
"Thank you for this day."
"Thank you for our family." (me)
"Thank you for our family."
"Thank you for the gospel." (me)
"Thank you for my pink devil."
"In the name of Jesus Christ." (me)
"The end."
ELLIE, age 2 . . . when it was her turn to say family prayer.

"It made my butt fly. And it scared my heart."
JACK, age 5 . . . after riding on The Tower of Terror at Disney's California Adventure.

"I don't ever get cold. I'm always hot because the Holy Ghost keeps my body hot."
JACK, age 5

"Did somebody color in that hymnbook that wasn't supposed to?"
"Yes, Jack." (me)
"Did Jesus get mad at them?"
JACK, age 5

"That was a great Sacrament Meeting. Can we have another?"
JACK, age 5 . . . at the end of our first meeting in our new ward in California.

"They bless the baby, then do they eat it?"
JACK, age 4 . . . when a father was called up to bless his baby in Sacrament Meeting.

"Firemen go to firesides. We go camping."
JACK, age 4 . . . when we got to church for a fireside and he realized it wasn't what he expected.

"I want to go camping someplace besides the backyard."
"Like where?" (me)
"Like the front yard."
JACK, age 4

"Step on it, Ellie! Step on the squirrel!"
JACK, age 4 . . . when he found a dead rodent in the backyard. It WASN'T a squirrel.

"(giggle, giggle) . . . butt water."
JACK, age 4 . . . when I commented that he didn't drink anything but water.

"Jesus gave me my penis."
JACK, age 4

"Good job Dad, you're talking louder."
JACK, age 3 . . . whenever Nate yells.

"Can we get him a bag cake - to show he's at work?"
ADDY, age 6 . . . when planning for Nate's upcoming birthday.

"It's Mrs. Sippy."
ADDY, age 6 . . . when explaining the easiest way to spell "Mississippi."

"Jesus will come out and tell me to be reverent."
JACK, age 3 . . . when asked if he knew the consequence for misbehaving at church.

"Heavenly Father speaks to my heart, but I don't know what he's saying."
ADDY, age 6 . . . when asked how Heavenly Father communicates with us.

"What's a spirit? Since it isn't a solid or liquid, it is a gas?"
ADDY, age 6

"I see yellow, BINGO!"
ADDY, age 5 . . . anytime she saw a yellow vehicle on a Boston street (including buses, taxis, bicycles, motorcycles, and VW Beatles.)

"Your shirt is kinda like a napkin."
ADDY, age 3 . . . after wiping her hands on Nate's shirt and being told she needs to use a napkin instead.

"Baa baa black sheep, have you any wool?
Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full.
One for my master and one for my dame.
And one for the little boy who lives down the drain."
ADDISON, age 3

"Elephants have a tail nose."

ADDISON, age 2

"Why being a bucket fusser?"

ADDISON, age 2

"Esterday means Thursday."

ADDISON, age 2

"Green is my favorite."

ADDISON, age 2

"I'm 2 ... you're not. I'm not ... you're 2."

ADDISON, age 2

Monsters and Mayhem

10.31.2009

Currently running through my head

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