Monsters and Mayhem: Coming off the sugar high

1.13.2009

Coming off the sugar high

Need evidence that my pantry has significantly fewer treats than my in-laws'? Just walk in and feel the fine grains of white sugar crunch under your feet.

Apparently one of my Things needed a fix so bad they went for the pure stuff. What's next? Intravenous high fructose corn syrup? My little addicts are in serious need of an intervention.

I'm hoping a child-safe knob cover for the pantry door and mean-face threats of extreme punishment for any vermin/insect infestation is enough. Any other ideas?

1 comment:

nana mary said...: It is well known that "Nana" and "Treat" have become synonymous.
Perhaps next time my little darlings arrive I could entice them with whole wheat unsugar cookies, banana pops rolled in flaxseed and instead of swedish fish, utah carpbites...or not.
Love,
Nana the GOODIE QUEEN; February 9, 2009 at 6:48 PM

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ELLIE, age 9 ... watch Mikey on a rope swing.

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DELTA FLIGHT ATTENDANT ... prior to takeoff from LAX to HNL.

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SKETCH, age 6

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SKETCH, age 5

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"Chase!" (Sketch, age 5)
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JACK, age 11

"Is that real gold?"
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"Oh, so that means it's fiction."
SKETCH, age 5

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SKETCH, age 5, in reference to the collapsed can-shaped cranberry sauce.

"I like your baking suit."
SKETCH, age 5, in reference to my apron.

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"It's for the dead bodies."
SKETCH, age 5

"If the internet had a face I'd punch it."
ADDY, age 14

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"What, like out loud?"
ADDY, age 14

"Let's watch "The Italian Job". Your mom's boyfriend is in it." (Nate)
"Did she film it?"
ADDY, age 14

"Why can't you marry your sister?"
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"What does that mean?"
"It means they'd be born with two heads." (me)
"Whoa! That's awesome!"
JACK, age 10

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"No, it's not." (me)
"Yes, it is."
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"Because when my feet are wet and I walk on the grass the grass sticks to my feet."
SKETCH, age 4

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SKETCH, age 4

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"Chocolate."
NATE, age 38

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ADDY, age 13 . . . when Nate mentioned that Cecily wanted him to buy a new Audi.

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ELLIE, age 7 . . . her only explanation for why my fingers weren't as wrinkled as hers after spending time in the hot tub.

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ADDY, age 13 . . . while discussing Buffalo Soldiers and Bob Marley

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JACK, age 10

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ELLIE, age 7

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JACK, age 10

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JACK, age 10 . . . ahh, the joys of having a pet.

"I'm Indiana Jones."
"I thought you were Iron Man." (me)
"How dare you!"
SKETCH, age 4

"Seriously. Knock off the bullish*t."

SKETCH, age 4 . . . reiterating his father's directive to his siblings.

"How much are you gonna get paid for this job? I'm talking about the S with the line through it."

JACK, age 10 . . . while working with Papa on a job site.

"Oh yeah. That one's going on the wedding video."

JACK, age 10 . . . observing me taking a photo of Addison's deer-rifle-scope-to-bridge-of-nose wound.

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ELLIE, age 7 . . . watching an Arizona Cardinal's football game on TV.

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"You were embarrassing? I farted."
JACK, age 10 . . . when asked how karate testing went.

"So where's your mom?" (Friend)
"Either out shopping or doing some weird stuff."
JACK, age 10

"You so have a mustache."
"Yes. I do." (man on the airplane)
"I wish we had mustaches. Oh, my mom has a mustache."
SKETCH, age 4

"Are we on the freeway?"
"No." (me)
"Are we on the slow-way?"
SKETCH, age 4

"I don't like this song. It sounds like Halloween"
SKETCH, age 4 . . . referring to LDS Hymn #185.

"Can I see your brain bubble?"
SKETCH, age 4 . . . after I yawned and he caught a glimpse of my uvula.

"Are we going home? I want to go see Cecily."
"No, not yet. She's out with Nathan." (Addy)
"Is he the boy mom?"
SKETCH, age 4

"You know, in our family it's the kids who have to do all the chores. It's kinda like she's the queen and we're her servants."
JACK, age 9

"Dad likes country."
"Yeah he does." (me)
"I like humor and rock & roll."
JACK, age 9

"What did you just eat?" (me)
"Nothing"
"What was just in your hand?" (me)
"Some throw-up"
"And you ate it?" (me)
"No. I drank it."
SKETCH, age 4

"But I can't drive"
JACK, age 9 . . . when Nate told him that instead of paying back the $5 he owes, he can take Nate to Frapy's for a frozen yogurt.

"I think Han Solo looks better as a Lego person."
ELLIE, age 6 . . . while watching Star Wars.

"It's so cool that our family members all have birthdays on special days. I mean, my birthday is on National Hot Dog Day."
ADDY, age 12

"What did you do today?" (Nate)
"I didn't go to Disneyland. And I didn't go to McDonalds."
SKETCH, age 3

"Did you forget how to flush the toilet?" (me)
"No, why?"
"Because there's a Sketch-sized turd in here" (me)
"What does it smell like?"
"Your bum." (me)
"Here. Smell it."
SKETCH, age 3 . . . while presenting his bum for odor inspection.

"Brown Sprite": Diet Coke
SKETCH, age 3

"SpriteBeer": Rootbeer
SKETCH, age 3

"Boob guy": A shirtless man or boy.
SKETCH, age 3

"Up-pants": shorts
SKETCH, age 3

"I love you Franklin" (Nana)
"I love chocolate. Milk"
SKETCH, age 3

"What does it mean to get married?" (me)
"It means you say 'Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas'."
SKETCH, age 3

"Look! There's Nana's Catalina!"
SKETCH, age 3 . . . seeing the lights from the community across Utah Lake from Orem.

"I am kind" (me)
"I am kind"
"I am smart" (me)
"I am smart"
"I am important" (me)
"I am important"
"I am trouble" (Nate)
"I am in so much trouble"
SKETCH, age 3 . . . up way past his bedtime.

"There will be repercussions if you don't eat your dinner." (me to Jack)
"Repercussions mean punishments, and punishments mean getting beaten up."
ELLIE, age 6 . . . while hitting her fist against her open palm.

"Nana, is this a tummy ache?
SKETCH, age 3 . . . holding up a mini 3 Musketeers after Nana told cousin Will that too much candy causes tummy aches.

"I don't like it when Jesus play his drums."
SKETCH, age 3 . . . referring to thunder.

"Mom, why do pirates have really bad teeth?"
"Because they don't brush and floss every night." (me)
"Cool. I want to be a pirate."
JACK, age 9

"I call Dad's truck."
SKETCH, age 3 . . . when Addy (age 12) said she gets the Accord when she starts to drive in 4 years.

"Please bless Addy and Jack to have piano lessons tomorrow" (me)
"Please bless Addy and Jack to have piano lessons tomorrow"
"And please bless Ellie and Sketch to have lots of chores." (me)
"Yeeeaaahhh!"
SKETCH, age 3 . . . during family prayer.

"At night the street sweeper turns into a dancing robot." (Jack)
"I want to dance with the robot."
SKETCH, age 3

"Jackson, I don't like what you're incinerating!"
"Ellie, the correct word is 'insinuating'." (Jack)
ELLIE, age 6

"Mama! Don't get off the plane!"
SKETCH, age 3 . . . after seeing me put on my jacket because I was cold.

"I'm a tinker. I can figure it out."
JACK, age 8 . . . when Nate asked if he needed help figuring out how to use the airplane lavatory door.

"I feel horrible and horrid at the same time. That means I feel horridable."
JACK, age 8

"Do you know how his voice got like that?"
"No" (Me)
"Wild parsnips."
JACK, age 8 . . . while listening to George Thorogood and the Destroyers sing "Bad to the Bone" on the radio.

"Is saliva flammable?"
"No" (me)
"Darn it. I wanted to be able to start a fire by just putting a match into my mouth."
JACK, age 8

"Is my Dad your oldest child?"
"Yes" (Nana)
"Unless you have another one."
JACK, age 8

"Hey guys! Throw me a hamburger!"
SKETCH, age 3 . . . with hands cupped around his mouth, sitting at the other end of the bar counter.

"Mom, someday can we make some money?"
"Sure. How do you want to make money?" (me)
"By selling beautiful flowers and lemonade for a dollar."
ELLIE, age 5

"Is this chicken made out of a pig?"
ELLIE, age 5

"I've got two new nicknames. Right now I'm "Stitch". And after they come out I'll be "Scarface"."
JACK, age 8

"Why did the great and spacious building fall?" (Nate)
"Either it got too heavy, or they lost control."
JACK, age 8

"Just to the side of the center is my groin. I think it has an on-and-off button."
JACK, age 8

"Go to bed, you sands-b*tchs!

SKETCH, age 2.... repeating Nate's instructions

"Here's a bread boat, Ellie" (Nate)
"What's a bread boat?"
"It's a boat made out of bread" (Nate)
"Oh, you mean a bread ark."
ELLIE, age 5

"Car show!"
SKETCH, age 2 . . . while sitting in heavy traffic.

"Your purse is to keep your money safe, not just to hold it until you spend it." (me)
"Not like your purse, Mama?"
ELLIE, age 5

"Can I just put them in my eyes?"
JACK, age 7 . . . when told he'll go blind if he doesn't eat his carrots.

"When I'm old and you're in heaven can I have your house?"
ADDY, age 10 . . . to Nana.

"I think my dad hates me and there's gonna be a consequence."
JACK, age 7 . . . while on time-out.

"With spit, tape, and a lot of effort."
JACK, age 7 . . . when asked how he thought the Salt Lake Temple was constructed in a time before heavy machinery.

"You know Dasher, and Crasher, and Basher, and Cupid . . . "
ELLIE, age 4 . . . singing her version of Rudolph the Red nosed Reindeer.

"If you guys can't get along I'm gonna call Santa and tell him you're being naughty" (me)
"Ooh, what's his phone number?"
JACK, age 7

"Mom, can I have some data?"
"What's that?" (me)
"It's information!"
JACK, age 7

"Mama, you need to give Jack a wedgie."
ELLIE, age 4

"Mama, I feel like robots are taking over the world."
ELLIE, age 4 . . . on her 3rd appearance after being put to bed.

"Mom! Quit being disturbed."
JACK, age 6 . . . when trying to pull me away from a conversation.

"The best part of going to the dentist was I got to go to the moon. I saw a flying saucer."
JACK, age 6

"I don't want to be a mayor, king, or president when I grow up. I don't want to die when I'm still alive. I want to die when I'm old, like grandpa."
JACK, age 6

"My friend William, whose name is Ben, but we call him William, said the F word at school."
"Spell it." (Addy)
"I don't know how to spell William."
"No, the other word." (Addy)
"I don't know how to spell Ben either."
JACK, age 6

"Look mom, I'm a transformer!" (Jack)
"What are you transforming into?" (me)
"A girl."
ELLIE, age 4

"What's the magic word?" (the checkout lady at the grocery store)
"Abracadabra."
ELLIE, age 4

"I got a bloody mouth. It got so hot in there I think my spit turned to lava."
JACK, age 6

"I feel like I'm pretty handsome."
"You are handsome" (me)
"Yeah, I know."
JACK, age 6

"That's because my ears don't work good."
ELLIE, age 4 . . . when told she hasn't been listening for the answers to her questions all day long.

"Why did you get in trouble?" (Nate)
"Because Mikey set a bad example."
JACK, age 6

"Boys like fire engines. Girls looooooove ambulances."
JACK, age 6

"Look mom - they made indians out of a rug."
JACK, age 6 . . . pointing to a wall hanging in the Honolulu airport.

"I'm hungry."
"Hi, Hungry. I'm Dad." (Nate)
"No, I'm Ellie AND I'm hungry."
"Then you should probably be medicated."
NATE, age 34

"You're not the boss. Jesus is the boss."
"But Jesus isn't here right now." (Nate)
"Yes He is. He's invisible. And He can hear everything you say."
ELLIE, age 3

"I call all the donuts in the world, even the ones in people's stomachs."
ADDY, age 9

"Sweetie, everybody dies eventually." (me)
"If they were in a cave then they wouldn't die. Like Jesus. He died and went in a cave then came back alive. Let's just do that."
ELLIE, age 3

"It tastes disgusting in my mouth when I drink my spit.
JACK, age 6

"What state are we in?" (Ellie)
"A state of irritation."
CECILY, age 32 . . . during the drive from UT to CA, after being asked the same question 853 times.

"Turquoise means GO!"
ELLIE, age 3 . . . after a stop-light turned green and the car in front of us didn't move.

"Happy Thanksgiving! Merry Scritmas!"
ELLIE, age 3

"It's not a turkey if it doesn't have a head."
ELLIE, age 3 . . . when seeing the Thanksgiving turkey come out of the oven.

"That's funny - like a decapitated guy selling running shoes."
NATE, age 34

"I hate everything about boogers, except the way they taste."
JACK, age 6

"The only thing I hate about life is that you have to die."
JACK, age 6

"I've got two words for you, Dad. Cock-a-doodle-doo, cock-a-doodle-doo."
ELLIE, age 3 . . . after Nate said her table manners could be described with two words, "oink, oink."

"I'm bored. Bored means you're sweaty and you want to watch a show."
ELLIE, age 3

"I don't like sun and air."
ELLIE, age 3 . . . after being told that walking Jack to school in the morning is a good was to enjoy the sun and get some fresh air.

"I'll watch her mouth."
JACK, age 5 . . . when told he wouldn't get lunch until Mom smiled.

". . . H-I-J-K-Elmo-Peed. Q-R-S,-T-U-V, . . ."
ELLIE, age 3 . . . singing the alphabet song. Jack's corrupting influence is clearly evident.

"Is it short for a dictionary?"
ADDISON, age 9 . . . when asked if she knew what "addiction" means.

"I wish I had no leg."
JACK, age 5 . . . while approaching the glass-blowing exhibit at the Sawdust Festival where a man with an artificial leg was observing.

"Girls have vaginas."
ELLIE, age 3 . . . also at the Sawdust Festival, where displays seem to evoke all sorts of random (and less than appropriate) comments.

"When I grow up I want to be a bed maker. I will travel the world looking for beds to make."
JACK, age 5

"You should move to Vegas."
NATE, age 34 . . . to Jack

"When it's over."
ADDISON, age 9 . . . when asked what her favorite part of Primary is.

"Did the baby come out of your tummy?"
ELLIE, age 2 . . . to me, 8 months pregnant, while I was holding a friend's baby at the park.

"Your dress looks very comfy. Maybe it's made out of lamb's wool. Maybe a green lamb."
JACK, age 5

"Dad, I missed you really hardly."
JACK, age 5 . . . to Nate upon his return from a 2 day business trip.

"My favorite day is 2'sday."
ELLIE, age 2

"Football, cause then we can kick him."
JACK, age 5 . . . when asked what he wants to name the baby.

"Jesus, cause then he can lead us."
JACK, age 5 . . . when asked for another baby name idea.

"I'm getting a sister."
ELLIE, age 2 . . . at the ultrasound appointment, upon hearing that Jack was getting a brother.

"We can plant the (sesame seed) bun and then it will grow into a hot dog tree."
JACK, age 5 . . . while eating a hot dog at Costco.

"Only M&Ms."
ELLIE, age 2 . . . at every house when out trick-or-treating.

"Thank you for this day." (me)
"Thank you for this day."
"Thank you for our family." (me)
"Thank you for our family."
"Thank you for the gospel." (me)
"Thank you for my pink devil."
"In the name of Jesus Christ." (me)
"The end."
ELLIE, age 2 . . . when it was her turn to say family prayer.

"It made my butt fly. And it scared my heart."
JACK, age 5 . . . after riding on The Tower of Terror at Disney's California Adventure.

"I don't ever get cold. I'm always hot because the Holy Ghost keeps my body hot."
JACK, age 5

"Did somebody color in that hymnbook that wasn't supposed to?"
"Yes, Jack." (me)
"Did Jesus get mad at them?"
JACK, age 5

"That was a great Sacrament Meeting. Can we have another?"
JACK, age 5 . . . at the end of our first meeting in our new ward in California.

"They bless the baby, then do they eat it?"
JACK, age 4 . . . when a father was called up to bless his baby in Sacrament Meeting.

"Firemen go to firesides. We go camping."
JACK, age 4 . . . when we got to church for a fireside and he realized it wasn't what he expected.

"I want to go camping someplace besides the backyard."
"Like where?" (me)
"Like the front yard."
JACK, age 4

"Step on it, Ellie! Step on the squirrel!"
JACK, age 4 . . . when he found a dead rodent in the backyard. It WASN'T a squirrel.

"(giggle, giggle) . . . butt water."
JACK, age 4 . . . when I commented that he didn't drink anything but water.

"Jesus gave me my penis."
JACK, age 4

"Good job Dad, you're talking louder."
JACK, age 3 . . . whenever Nate yells.

"Can we get him a bag cake - to show he's at work?"
ADDY, age 6 . . . when planning for Nate's upcoming birthday.

"It's Mrs. Sippy."
ADDY, age 6 . . . when explaining the easiest way to spell "Mississippi."

"Jesus will come out and tell me to be reverent."
JACK, age 3 . . . when asked if he knew the consequence for misbehaving at church.

"Heavenly Father speaks to my heart, but I don't know what he's saying."
ADDY, age 6 . . . when asked how Heavenly Father communicates with us.

"What's a spirit? Since it isn't a solid or liquid, it is a gas?"
ADDY, age 6

"I see yellow, BINGO!"
ADDY, age 5 . . . anytime she saw a yellow vehicle on a Boston street (including buses, taxis, bicycles, motorcycles, and VW Beatles.)

"Your shirt is kinda like a napkin."
ADDY, age 3 . . . after wiping her hands on Nate's shirt and being told she needs to use a napkin instead.

"Baa baa black sheep, have you any wool?
Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full.
One for my master and one for my dame.
And one for the little boy who lives down the drain."
ADDISON, age 3

"Elephants have a tail nose."

ADDISON, age 2

"Why being a bucket fusser?"

ADDISON, age 2

"Esterday means Thursday."

ADDISON, age 2

"Green is my favorite."

ADDISON, age 2

"I'm 2 ... you're not. I'm not ... you're 2."

ADDISON, age 2

Monsters and Mayhem

1.13.2009

Coming off the sugar high

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